Fantasy is the impossible made probable. Science fiction is the improbable made possible.

When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. When you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets

Those who cannot forgive, break the bridge over which they too must pass

If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will find an easier way to do it.

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Star Wipe is the Comic Sans of transitions.

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.

The wise man learns more from the fool than the fool learns from the wise man

I've never let my school interfere with my education.

Nothing can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own

It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously

Good taste is the enemy of comedy

Adults are obsolete children.

Don't attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by incompetence.

It's totally pointless to try to "force" people to be good. That's like "curing" gay people. Not going to happen.

Three Can Keep a Secret If Two Are Dead

The more women there are about, the softer a wise man steps

I mean, whoever heard tell of a man gettin' too much poozle?